


With or Without You

by starshipslytherin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Puns, Fluff, Getting Back Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14623971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starshipslytherin/pseuds/starshipslytherin
Summary: The Marauders never knew how much James kept from them, and how much he suffered on his own.





	With or Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I have this in my "Jegulus Marathon" compilation as well, but I wanted it to be a singular work, too, because I think it's quite alright and having it be the last chapter of a compilation just doesn't do justice to the time and effort put into it, so here we are. Enjoy!

“Getting with Evans would be quite an achievement, y'know”, James, who had been blankly staring out of the window for almost half an hour, all but slurred.  
“I thought you liked her?”, Remus asked sharply. “I mean, if you liked her - you wouldn’t be thinking about her as an achievement. - Just saying!”, he added hotly as he noticed Sirius’s frown.  
“I think she’s hot”, James shrugged. “But -”, he paused, frowning pensively, “Yeah, I’d really like her if I didn’t have to put up with that idiot.” He sighed heavily, bitterly tossing his empty bottle back into the tray, and he didn’t notice he’d let something slip, not even when Sirius inhaled sharply.  
“What idiot?”, Peter asked tentatively.  
Sirius had crossed his arms smugly and leaned back in his seat. “I knew you’re shagging someone”, he smirked. “Who is it?”  
James snorted. “Was.” He didn’t bother reacting to the second part at all; Sirius wouldn’t have liked it anyway, and now that it was in the past, what did it matter?  
“So you liked someone else?”, Remus probed him carefully.  
“Still do”, James groaned. “Only problem is it’s become quite one-sided. So suddenly. - What in Merlin’s name -”, his voice suddenly grew remarkably louder, “for fuck’s sake, I don’t know what changed, I ruined it and I -” He trailed off in frustration. “You see”, he continued, “I think Evans and I could make it work. If we both tried. And it would still be less complicated.”  
“What’s the point in dating someone you don’t like?”, Sirius drawled. “Mate, just go, talk it through.”  
“It - is - not - that - simple!”, James spat.  
“Because you’re making it complicated”, said Remus. “Give it one more try, alright? You’ve been so - persistent - with Evans. Try one last time -”  
James howled in frustration. “But it’s been so hard -”, he rubbed his eyes under his glasses, “because - because - we’d been together for so long. No one knew. Sorry about that - but it’s just - I dunno - fucking complicated. More complicated than - than this whole love thing should be, is all.”  
“Is it worth it?”, Peter whispered. “Did it make you happier than upset, or the other way around?”  
James groaned loudly once again, and stared at the wall across from him for a long time; no one spoke. Then, finally, he jumped to his feet as though struck by lightning, and pulled out a slip of parchment and a quill, hastily spilling words all over it in his untidy excuse of a handwriting, but he couldn’t care less.  
“Be right back”, he gasped after he had finished, heading out of the compartment with the note in his trembling hand.  
“You delivering it personally, eh?”, Sirius called after him with an amused sneer, but he didn’t answer. He was intending to find Evans as quickly as possible.  
As soon as he had found the compartment, he practically barged right in, stunning the four girls that were in it playing chess in teams of two.  
“God, Potter!”, hissed Evans immediately -  
“Couldn’t you have knocked?”, Meadowes squealed -  
“Damn, Potter, are you drunk? You reek!”, McKinnon snapped.  
“Sorry, Ladies”, James panted, “not trying to bother you, Evans, I like someone else -”  
“Is that your new strategy, Potter?”, Evans sighed in exasperation. “And you came here just to tell me?”  
“No, no, hang on”, he shook his head, “I just need to borrow someone’s owl to send this out quickly -”, he held up the note, “it’s really important.”  
“Don’t you have your own owl, Potter?”, Meadowes wanted to know.  
“Yeah, but she’s, um, out”, he claimed. In reality, she was asleep in her cage, but he wouldn’t be able to use it if he wanted his letter to be opened in the first place.  
“Black’s?”, Evans suggested flatly.  
“He’s, er - asleep”, James replied, trying to hide his heart leaping out of his chest at the mention of the surname.  
“What are you up to?”, she asked coolly.  
“Sending a letter! Seriously, this is not a strategy or anything - I didn’t even ask for your owl in particular, Evans - and I told you I liked someone else -” (“Finally”, Evans muttered with an eye roll,) “- and this is urgent and I really, really need someone’s help”, he pleaded, biting his lower lip, his right had messing up his raven curls as he scratched his scalp desperately.  
“I’ll give you mine”, piped the fourth girl timidly. “Just take care of her, okay?”  
James nodded eagerly, and he felt almost sober now. “Thank you so much, Alice. I will, cross my heart. She’ll be right back.”  
She nodded smilingly, holding out her pale arm for her large brown barn owl to sit on, handing her to James, soothingly telling her she’d deliver a note for him. The owl flapped her wings, gracefully landing on James’s shoulder, and he thanked her owner again before he pulled out his quill and ink, adding a P.S. and the recipient’s name to the letter, and he tied it to the owl’s leg, opened one of the windows to his right, and set her free.  
Then, he trudged back to his compartment and barely spoke until his pocket watch showed ten minutes to three.  
He slipped out of the compartment with a queasy feeling chewing on his insides, but when he passed Evans’s compartment, he still stopped to check on Alice’s owl. McKinnon told him Alice had disappeared with Frank Longbottom a while ago, but he saw her owl sleeping contentedly in her cage, her head under her wing, so he headed off again.  
He had reached the end of the train, where the wagon was rattling particularly loudly, and stopped in front of the second to last compartment, which was usually locked, but now wasn’t; he held his breath and knocked, hoping and begging he would be answered, by the right person.

* * *

 

‘Hey Reggie. Can we talk? Second to last compartment, 3pm? It would be cool if you came, I’ll wait, but if you don’t show up, I’ll know what’s up and I swear I won’t bother you again. It would be nice if you hear me out, though. Please.

P.S. Owl’s not mine. Just let her fly, she’ll find her owner.’

He huffed and shook his head incredulously.  
“What’s up?”, Marianne demanded.  
He shrugged. “Could’ve told him no before he even wrote this”, he muttered bitterly.  
“Who?”  
“No one”, he spat. “Just some - complete arse -”  
“Your brother?”  
“Pfft. Good one. As if he cared about me nearly enough to even waste a word from his golden tongue, let alone enough of his precious time to write to me -” He snorted bitterly, kicking his trunk, which he immediately regretted due to the stinging pain that arose in his little toe.  
“You in love?”, Marianne smirked.  
Regulus rolled his eyes dramatically at her. “Why does my one friend I have have to be so nosy?” He couldn’t help but blush, though, and when he noticed, his heart sank. He had been trying so hard to forget. But maybe, just maybe, some things weren’t meant to be forgotten.  
Marianne giggled. “So you are in love. I knew it. Known it for ages. Don’t think your best friend in the world wouldn’t notice, aye?”  
“Aye”, he agreed monotonously, having unconsciously picked up the habit of naturally using that word ages ago.  
“You meetin’ up?”  
Regulus bit his lip, then nodded slowly. “I think so.”  
He opened the window, letting the barn owl fly back outside, and sank into his seat. His heart wanted to burst out of his rib cage, but he was certainly not going to let it. He sighed.

* * *

 

A dark, ink-coloured eye appeared, peering suspiciously out of the compartment, and the door was opened just enough for James to get in, then immediately slammed shut, and the lock clicked. The light was dim, but even so, Regulus’s skeptical little face was looking handsome and perfect as ever, and James swallowed, preparing to spill out everything his mind had prepared to say in the past two hours, but before he could speak, the Slytherin cut him off.  
“You’ve got five minutes. I didn’t want to come, but curiosity overwhelmed me. So? What do you want?”  
“You”, James blurted. “I want you. Need you. Reggie, I -”  
“Are you drunk?”, Regulus sighed.  
“I just had some beer a few hours ago - I’m almost sober - but I wouldn’t be telling you anything else either way -” He sank down onto a seat, exhaling shakily. “Just listen -”  
“Cut it, then”, Regulus hissed. “I don’t need any more of your lectures about - how to live my life. I’m old enough -”  
“I was worried! Alright, I fucking care about you, you goddamn idiot, I still do, but if trying to save your stinking, stubborn arse from getting yourself killed means I can’t be near you, I’ll quit complaining. I won’t say a word, not even when I’m pissed - I’ll never bring it up unless you want me to, hell, I’ll support you, I’ll do anything to help you, I’ll be there and I won’t judge you -” He trailed off at the sight of Regulus’s irritated frown.  
“You know what, James”, the latter pressed out, as though it was taking him a lot of will power, “you were right, okay? You - you were right about all of it.” He was trembling as he spoke, “But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s irreversible. And I don’t want to talk about it. And I don’t want your - pity, or your understanding or your support when I know you’re secretly loathing me - but my life isn’t that easy, alright?” Tears were gathering in his eyes now, and his voice became thick and brittle. “I was constantly - trying to be someone, and I didn’t want to end up like Sirius, even though I envy him - don’t tell him that - and I was all alone and now I need to stay alive - there’s no way out once you’re in, did you -”  
“I’d die for you”, James interrupted him firmly and abruply stood up. “And I don’t pity you. And I don’t know what I did to make you have that impression, but I certainly do not loathe you. And I - sort of - understand you. In some way. Even though it makes no sense -”  
“No, it plainly doesn’t”, the other boy spat, half suppressed sobs shaking him. “You don’t - you have no idea what it’s like to -”  
“Then help me understand. Enlighten me.”  
“I tried”, Regulus whimpered, sacking down onto a seat.  
James knelt before him, taking both of his hands in his and pleading, “Please. Tell me what to do. Just say the word. Or tell me to do nothing. Tell me to stay out of your life forever if that’s what you want -”  
“You don’t get it, do you? I’m the one who’s going to die for you. You - he’s dangerous, and I - if you’re ever in peril, all I can do is go down with you and I -”  
“If you’re ever in peril, I’ll do anything to protect the two of us, and we’ll be together, and if I fail - Reggie, hear me out. I know you’re tired of me telling you this, but I’ll dedicate my whole existence to you if that’s helping you.” James was now struggling to compose himself - seeing Regulus suffer felt like a cold fist pressing his stomach together and squeezing every bit of joy out of his heart. He brought a trembling finger up to the Slytherin’s cheek, wiping away a tear, even though the gesture had little to no effect, as his entire face was now wet and steaming hot.  
“Can we just - live our own lives but - occasionally snog?”, Regulus proposed between sobs, his delicate body shaking uncontrollably. “And - if I die - tell Sirius - I hate him - alright?”  
James snorted, got up, and pulled Regulus into a tender embrace. “We all do”, he whispered.  
“Perhaps - perhaps I’ll feel - safer when you’re around.”  
James smiled. “I’ll make you safe”, he breathed. “Whenever you need me to. No objections. Because this was the second time I realised how much I’m actually dependent of your company. It’s like you’re a drug or something -”  
Regulus muttered something into James’s shoulder.  
“Huh?”  
“As if”, he repeated more loudly. “Or, even better, stylistically speaking, as though. It’s as though I’m a drug -”  
“A very grammatically correct drug, I’d say”, James smiled wearily.  
“Promise something to me”, Regulus, who had stopped crying, although his voice was still sounding hoarse and husky, “if you find yourself in grave peril, in any sort of life threatening situation that I might manoeuvre you out of, even if it required measures that you find to be morally reprehensible -”  
“I love how you get really posh when you’re being serious”, James chuckled. “Ironic, actually -”  
“That one was extremely bad, James. - Anyway, promise you’ll let me save you, too. If necessary. Because I’d do whatever it takes to keep you with me as well. And staying alive has nothing to do with whether you agree with the measures. You’ll be able to worry about these things later.”  
James straightened his back to look properly at Regulus. “Do you?”  
“What?”  
“Agree with all that stuff?”  
Regulus huffed. “No”, he said. “I have morals, you see.”  
“But you’re also scared.”  
“Aren’t you?”  
“Sure”, James admitted. “But I have people who’d be there for me if I needed them. That’s why I want you to know I’m there for you.”  
“And that’s why I told you I’m there for you. Even if I’m not a flawless, brave Gryffindor. I’m just me.”  
“And that’s a lot”, James said.  
“It’s not.”  
“It’s my whole world.”  
“Oh, you giant sap. I’m already considering to split up with you again.”  
“So we’re a thing?”  
“Just so”, Regulus smirked. “And you’re on trial.”  
“Is that so?”  
“Aye. Just snogging. No trying to make me a saint.”  
“You, a saint? I’m not that blue eyed, Regulus.”  
The Slytherin’s smirk grew even wider. “Right, because they’re hazel.”  
“Oh, shut it”, James laughed.  
And suddenly, he found the pair of lips that he least expected to return there on his mouth, his heart was leaping with joy and love and relief, and soon, Regulus had pinned him down on the floor, straddling him, and kissing him as though his life depended on it. Which, to be fair, was quite likely to be the truth. And he was not going to give up on it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: [Part I](https://dying-for-jegulus.tumblr.com/post/162227821423/with-or-without-you-pt-i) | [Part II](https://dying-for-jegulus.tumblr.com/post/162232835350/with-or-without-you-pt-ii)


End file.
